cool-screen

Computers in real life are boring. Even Apple computers. You sit there all day, use your mouse, hit your keyboard and wait. Perhaps this is the reason why computers and especially human computer interactions look so much cooler in movies (the other reason would be the total lack of knowledge regarding our electronic friends).

Regardless of the reasons I am a movie freak so I immediately remembered all those movie moments with all kinds of uber-cool computer screens and interactions – and tried to imitate them in real life during my WordPress update.

Of course, I failed miserably. But that doesn’t stop me from writing the dream of

how the update of this blog to WordPress 2.7 would have looked like in a movie…

FADE IN:

I enter my personal high security room. The computer is in its screensaver mode – as always, electricity bills are for losers – and my ten screens show all kinds of cool visuals I programmed myself in the last four years. I look at it and my eyes almost get burnt out by the intense colors.

Damn, I always forget to reduce the color intensity of my screen. Note to myself: reduce it next time.

I press the Any-Button on my futuristic keyboard. The OS I programmed for the last ten years goes to its active mode. Because I built this computer for the last twenty years I added the best, most secure and biggest high security system ever. It tells me on all ten screens simultaneously:

THIS SYSTEM IS PASSWORD PROTECTED. PLEASE ENTER PASSWORD BELOW.cool-screen2

Gosh! I don’t have time for this. I hit the Escape-Button and the normal screen appears.

Because simplicity is for losers the screens always show me at least twenty windows at the same time scattered throughout all displays. But I don’t need them. Without doing anything else I enter some codes so cryptic that even I don’t understand them (Note: I ditched my mouse thirty years ago). Because I never fail at entering code the screen doesn’t respond in any way. Until a small screen finally appears (small meaning: on all ten displays):


Of course the Window has no name or text – I know what I am doing.

I enter: CONNECT TO SERVER. The small window disappears. Some graphics pop up with cool movements going on – futuristic looks are simply awesome, especially the cubic ones. After three seconds the systems answers: CONNECTED. SEARCHING…

ITEM FOUND.

Because I programmed the OS for fifty years without pause, the AI knows exactly what I wanted: an Update of WordPress. So I simply enter: UPGRADE SERVER.

Now the really cool stuff starts with so many cool actions and movements that my eyes almost pop out. Note to myself: reduce the visual action.

While all the different windows pop up and vanish I see that the computer not only downloads the new package, but also extracts it locally, copies all old server files to a backup storage, makes a database backup, deactivates all plugins, logs out from WordPress, copies the new files without overwriting my uploaded stuff, starts the upgrade process of WordPress and finally reactivates all plugins. (Of course the system encrypted everything with a 10 Megabyte three-dimensional key. Because the NSA seens and hears everything. But since I know they have God implemented in their hardware specs I went the middle hard way with a three-dimensional key. This takes them one days to decipher – enough time to start running. Ok, enough chit-chat, back to topic…)

After the system has done all tasks in less than ten seconds everything is finally finished. Well, I expect nothing else from a system I worked on for sixty years straight – and which you will never hear or see.

Satisfied, I stand up and leave the room. The system automatically detects my actions and automatically goes back to its automatic screensaver mode encrypted with the best password protection system ever.

Now that would have been a cool WordPress upgrade, wouldn’t it?

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