The Best of the Worst! The Cream of the Crap!

I hate movies. Of course not always, but sometimes. It happens when the producer seemed to be blind, the scriptwriter too stupid to find the delete key and me too stupid to simply walk out of the movie theater.

While I could slap me on the face each time anew when I sat through a bad movie it also gives me the chance to let my anger out as a means of a therapy and write it down in a list for your reading pleasure. So, I hereby present you the single worst movies I ever had to watch.

It’s the Best of the Worst, the Cream of the Crap!

Batman & Robin

Somehow it is amazing how one franchise can differ so much. Batman not only offers us THE DARK KNIGHT, but also this thing. I tried to watch it. Really, I tried my best. But even I couldn’t hold out longer than 20 minutes. I think it was a moment with Poison Ivy.

House of Wax

Paris Hilton should stop acting. For mystical reasons beyond me she manages to drag down any movie with her to the bottom. This movie is the perfect example for my thesis. From casting to story everything reeks of bad or worse. The single biggest moment from Fantasy Island is of course the ending (besides the moment Paris’ “character” is killed). You know, when the whole house of wax melts from fire and the remaining cast wanders through it as if it were cold. Admitted, it was cold when they shot those scenes. But didn’t anyone on the set feel the need to tell them that hot wax is hot?

Prom Night

prom-night

A sadistic killer hunts down a high school beauty. I cannot nail it but I get the feeling I have heard this one before. Sheesh. You know, I sometimes love those formulaic story lines when the producers at least manage to bring in something new. In this case, they of course didn’t. What’s worse is the unwanted comedy that ensues in such a crap. At least we had a good laugh in cinema.

Joshua

joshua

A young boy is bad and the parents cannot do anything. Why? Well, firstly, because he is bad. Secondly, because nobody believes the parents (nobody ever does). Thirdly, because he is a smart boy. And fourth, because he has this Look Of Evil©. As you surely have already guessed, the result was a bad movie.

Ultraviolet / Aeon Flux

aeon-violet

Please forgive me that I write this but I cannot tell those two movies apart. As far as I know they deal with a woman that tries to save a boy from stand-ins in white from outer space while driving with her feet, er hands, er feet. Something like that. In any case, both movies were so full of *beep* that I even wanted to ask the projectionist if he could call the cleaning squad.

Alone in the Dark

alone-dark

No worst of list can exist without a movie from Uwe Boll. At least let’s give him the credit of being able to cut and film a movie (in the exact order). The monsters kill, the camera films and the characters talk. With a time delay. The single best moment of unintentional humor is when the main character uses a standard cliché artifact to open a stone door and his female sidekick weighs in after an eternity, telling us “This is a key.” Priceless.

Immortal (Immortel)

immortel

This movie is what you get when you strip all the effects, action and mumbo jumbo from STAR WARS. It tries to be so much but fails so miserably that it hurts. Moreover this movie is perfect for the little word “why”. Why did they mix real life and 3D characters? Why is there a floating pyramid? Why do they do what they do? And why is this movie so *beeeeeep*?

Taxi (New York Taxi)

taxi

When I hate one thing in and form Hollywood then it’s a bad US remake of a good but foreign movie. Where the French original is funny, full of great action sequences and character interactions, this one lacks all of the good qualities of the original. Who for the love of God wrote this script and who gave the order to start production? If you do want something good: watch the French version. Compared to this it’s like Shakespeare.

Soul Plane

soul-plane

When the ass of the main character got sucked into an airplane toilet I knew two things: the first minute had passed, and there were still 88 waiting for me. I remember many things of SOUL PLANE and not a single bit is positive (except for the stoned pilot perhaps). Got the ass of the producer perhaps sucked into a rolling camera or was it simply bad luck for us that this movie ended up on screen?

Kangaroo Jack

kangaroo

No, you won’t get me to write much about this “movie”. It was a hard time. And I still believe that anyone who watched this should get a medal as well as compensation for damages.



Bonus: Germanikus / Mortadelo & Filemon / Daltons contra Lucky Luke

filemon

You certainly didn’t hear of those movies and you can be glad about that. Seriously, these three European movies were and are the single worst shit I have ever seen. Don’t let anyone tell you something else.

The first contender is from Germany. Even the producers knew this movie was shit because they at first didn’t want to release it. The second one is from Spain. It’s a Comic Book Adaption and a bad one at that. No joke was funny. And I wished the characters would simply die. The last movie is from France and also a comic book adaption. After mere minutes I began to hate it so much that I started to count the cuts while watching.

Here are some movie clips from YouTube so you can see what I mean.

This is the trailer for Les Daltons / The Daltons contra Lucky Luke. I hope you see some of the shit going on there and the overall bad quality despite being a Spanish trailer for a French movie.

As far as I can see this is the trailer for Mortadelo & Filemon 2. I really cannot believe it. They actually made a sequel.

Aaaaargghhhhhh.

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