The Top 10 Worst Movie Cliches

Aaaah. Help me, help me! The horror is too much! My brain!!!!

The good old movie cliche. It’s as old as the movie. Heck, they even produced cliches during the silent movie era before they knew what a cliche was. Of course, it hasn’t become any better since then. Movies rip off cliches from the classics and use them until the viewer’s brain takes a nap in the nearest bar. Or worse.

Do you want to want to feel the agony again? Here are the Top 10 Worst Movie Cliches any director can come up with.

10. Languages? More than one?

It doesn’t matter if it’s Star Trek, Star Wars or Stargate. Any franchise with “Star” in its title (and every other sci-fi movie or series for that matter) knows only one language: English. So if you ever have to go to space don’t worry. Every alien race is like a normal guy from Hollywood. The difference? The costumes!


9. There is no “Man of Steel”. There are Thousands!

For most of the time you can rely on the fact that in an Action Flick For Menthere will be a Manly Fight To The Death. Hero and villain beat the crap out of each other for days, if not even hours . But even though they Fight To The Death there is one little problem: they never bleed or only get minor scratches. I know the human body can sustain some awesome amount of injuries. But I never knew that skin is made of steel.


8. Be a Hero! It’s important to Survival!

That’s the major of rule for anyone in the middle of a disaster: be the leader! You have to be it even if it kills you. Otherwise you end up as canon fodder. Whenever you are trapped in a disaster with some bunch of walking cliches (i.e. a old couple, an artist, a dog etc.), be their President. Otherwise you are doomed. It’s the iron rule of The Disaster Movie.


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7. Look at that. Look! How cuuuuuuuuuuuute!!!!!

Animals never die or get harmed. An asteroid can vaporize the whole earth, a big explosion can reduce a city to ashes, but the dog survives. But it gets better: after the catastrophe is over the dog emerges from the debris, wags its tail and barks as if nothing happened. And we all go: Aaaaaawwwwwww…. how cuuuuuuuuuuuute. And don’t even forget dogs are basically everywhere. Because…shall I repeat it again? They’re so cuuuuuuuuuuuute. With twelve ‘u’!


6. Safer Sex played Safe!

A movie without sex? That’s almost impossible! It’s the spice of life. Every big male-oriented movie has it. And you can be sure of one thing: After this obligatory sex scene both characters lie in bed dressed (hey, who wouldn’t). Alternatively the woman hides her beauty with a blanket when standing up. Otherwise her lover could see her naked *gasp*!!!!! Dear girls and writers: Much worse happened in the night before. There’s nothing to hide anymore. He knows her inside out. Therefore either go fully realistic or cut the sex shit completely. Oh by the way: there’s always the Mysterious Blanket. You know, the one which covers the woman fully but the man only up to his hips. I love it!


5. Because he never stands up again…

OK. The hero dealt with a really bad villain for almost hours – if not minutes. Or he was chased by a crazy zombie maniac. Or something completely different. One thing always remains the same: after the intense confrontation (see Fight To The Death) the hero wins the fight. Cool. But then it happens. The hero doesn’t finish off the villain by either shooting all rounds into his head or by beating him to pulp. You know, just to be sure HE DOESN’T STAND UP AGAIN IN THE BACKGROUND. Sigh.


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4. Computers for anyone?

Movies love computers and computer geeks. The problem? Either we get Apple only or we get a teenage hacker breaking into a government mainframe as if it’s nothing. Even Apple cannot pull that one off. Then there’s those interfaces. They look so cool it’s not surprising they don’t exist in reality: there always something moving, although the characters use the keyboard most of the time. You cannot differentiate between cool but useless background shit and the important stuff. “Where the hell is the button!!!!!” is only one sentence I’d shout out while working with those interfaces. The first movie in which I witnessed a normal use of computers was The Ring. Oh, and there was this Sandra Bullock flick…


3. That’s a $200 Fine! Please Come Again in the Next Movie…

Time is up and our movie hero is on its way in a car. Sometimes his destination is a building. Time’s up since ten hours so he has to hurry. But that’s no problem at all because he always finds a parking lot on the spot. Right.In.Front.Of.The.Building. It can be anything. From a small shop to the biggest government building on the world. There’s always a parking lot waiting for the hero. Damn! I think we all should become the heroes of our own movies so we don’t have to search for a parking lot anymore.


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2. Bullet Reload Time is for Losers.

It doesn’t matter how much our beloved action hero must shoot. He never reloads. What am I writing? He simply doesn’t have to reload. Reloading is for sissies. He has endless ammunition. Just imagine he had to reload. The universe would tear apart immediately because by doing this action he’d need to wear a ton of rounds. But that would hinder his movements so he doesn’t have to. As a result he can shoot and shoot and shoot. The parallel universe called Hollywood is wonderful. And this cliche directly leads to the most nerve-wrecking movie cliche of them all…


1.Henchmen training suspended for monetary reasons

It doesn’t matter how many henchmen a bad guy has hired (Normally it’s that many that they could form their own nation). When they’re shooting they miss the target with utmost precision. Every damn time. Think of Star Wars or any buddy cop flick. The hero can stand at point blank range and they still miss with utmost precision. Perhaps that’s the reason those guys only get hired as henchmen. The best thing they can do is to become some kind of distraction.


So this is the list of the Top 10 Worst Movie Cliches. Of course, there are some other ones out there but they would have been too easy. Here are the honorable mentions:

  • the woman always falls down while being chased by The Evil. A car explodes – always, doesn’t matter why. The you-fly-through-glass-without-a-scratch-move. Noise in space. The bad guy not shooting the movie hero. And the countdown bomb with big red numbers showing the remaining time.

Did I miss something?

Comments

  • SomeRandomGuy

    LOL. This was a funny article, but its just so true.

  • Lars Finsen

    You say they didn’t know what a cliché was in the silent movie era? They knew very well, and used them consciously. They had a long tradition of vaudeville theatre to draw from.

    Other than that, a fine list. Could mention the cough or sneeze always leading to terminal illness as well, maybe.

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