How to watch a DVD
18 Mar 2010   Fun

How to watch a DVD

Watching a movie DVD is simple.

In theory.

Since this technology is so brand new and complicated, only a few chosen people are able to use them so called DVD players.Although my parents warned me to engage in such a dangerous task I didn’t waste one second to help you people out of your misery.

Therefore after many decades full of experiments (and some dead assistants) I can finally present you a paper/manual that truly tells you how to watch a DVD.

1. Rent, buy, steal or – worse – download your DVD. Important: Read the package beforehand, so you know what you are watching later.

2. Head home or be happy to still be at home. In the latter case: be prepared to be sued by Hollywood.

3. If you are a man and want to watch Chuck Norris, give your wife one thousand dollar. This should keep her in the shopping district for a while. If you are a woman and want to watch Titanic, give your man one thousand dollar. This should keep him in the stadium for a while. In case of kids: kick their iPods down the hills. This should keep them searching for a while, but be prepared to be sued by Apple.

4. Turn on everything that remotely looks modern and electrical. Don’t bother if some objects suddenly start making noises like a mixer. This is simply a sound test. Be prepared to be sued by your neighbors, though.

5. If you finally found the DVD player (see Wikipedia for a detailed description about the looks), open the tray. Please refer to the manual to do that. In case of a bad translation done by a Chinese: you have my deepest sympathy. You can sue them if you like.

6. Put the DVD in the tray. Important: the colorful side needs to face you, not the floor. Some people tend to mistake this every time. Close the tray. Normally, this should work by using the same button you used to open it. If you are not sure: test it to be sure.

7. If you did everything correctly the movie should start now. Which means you will first see dozens of other things such as movie trailers or stuff about being sued by Hollywood for daring to watch their intellectual property. Don’t be scared, this is completely normal.

8. After some hours you should slowly notice that one trailer keeps repeating itself over and over again. This is the main menu. To start watching the movie, press every button possible on your remote. Most of the time it is the best to start pressing in the middle of the remote. If you are lucky it works. If not, head back to step 6.

In case of blackness:

9. Re-check if everything is properly turned on and connected. For example: did you really turn on the TV? Or did you mistake it for a strange all-black painting?

10. If the screen still is black after checking and confirming everything you need to stay absolutely calm. Chances are that you tried to watch a DVD using your toaster. Be prepared to be sued for arson by your neighbors.


Since I was more or less sued by everyone in the vicinity of my laboratory I had to stop here. Because of those “circumstances” I’d be glad to hear from you, my fellow researcher, if I missed some important steps in my experiments. Please refer to the standard comment form below to add your results to this paper.

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