Piranha Movie Review – Oh the Horror!

They should’ve stuck to the plot about the porn movie production…

Dear girls and women: you don’t need to continue reading this entry. It’s about a bloody and gory horror movie containing massive amounts of sexual imagery……..

…Very well, now that we guys are in private…

Come on guys, be honest: we all love pr0n movies, don’t we? Sex is always a pleasure and you cannot do wrong on either side (consumer and producer). It’s a safe bet. And therefore I bet my life the high rating of Piranha on IMDB is a result of the porno-ish parts of the plot. I can understand it, though, because those moments of Piranha actually happen to be the best parts of this movie.

Just for the record, Piranha tells the story of some prehistoric piranhas that lived for two million years in a cave and are now set free by an earthquake.  Because those little buggers are hungry and pissed off for some reason, they decide to get some good parts from the Spring Break Students and the locals. Jake, our male lead and one of the locals, coincidentally happens to be on the lake with a small porn crew filming their latest masterwork while his younger siblings, of course, also are on the lake.

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I think anyone with some background knowledge of horror movies should, at this point, already know how the movie plays out, including all the usual clichés that plagues it like hungry piranhas (I so love bad jokes). For everybody else, here’s a short list of the “of course’s”: of course, the kids don’t die. Of course, the bitches die. Of course, the students act stupid and get their asses bitten off because of it. Of course, the loser lead male gets his time to shine. Of course, someone sacrifices himself. Of course, there’s a nasty surprise at the end. Of course, there’s a ton of boobs…wait a minute…no that’s not an “of course”, is it?

Why the director again and again cuts to those fish going wild instead of showing me only girls going wild is a secret only he knows. I really loved those eerily funny and “exciting” moments of a somewhat strange porno crew doing their job of filming girls doing stuff with girls. Heck, they even have an underwater ballet scene of completely nude girls. In pseudo 3D! I now totally can see why everybody bets on the porno industry to save 3D. Anyway, that scene is beyond ridiculous but you get to see some nice perspectives (and the movie a higher rating on IMDB because of it).

By the way: Out of the ‘production’ crew and the whole cast I loved Jerry O’Connells character the most with his strange and eccentric behavior. As you might have guessed, this characters at one point in the movie bites the dust but at least he got the most epic final words in recent movie history: “Wet t-shirt….wet t-shirt”. That was so random but so fitting and manly that any fellow man cannot do anything else than give him two thumbs up for that epicness. It’s a real shame that Piranhas didn’t fully go for the comedy route as it did in that moment. I am sure it would’ve become an instant classic.

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But Piranhas didn’t and so we only get something mildly entertaining that has way too many plot holes for my taste. The biggest one is the question how the heck the piranhas could live and survive in a completely dark cave without any change whatsoever. Normally, animals living in the dark not only get white but also become blind. I also couldn’t quite figure out, how Doc Brown was able to spot and reveal The Big Secret of those nasty buggers. And yes, I am a little bit bitchy and nitpicky here.

The last act also went for the shitty end of the scale because it left me with the feeling that I only watched the first half of the story. You know, normally a horror movie playing with the idea of Nature Striking Back it usually starts with nature actually striking back. Humans get slashed in masses. Then some humans have an idea to strike back on their own. The result: One species less on planet earth, usually humans the attacking species.

The problem with Piranhas is that the writers somehow forgot to show us the part of humans striking back on a massive scale. The only things that get massive are the piranhas and that’s not a good way to end a horror flick in my eyes.

What else could I say? I guess nothing. Everything else about Piranha is so mediocre that it’s really not worth to mention any of it, perhaps with the exception of the good effects throughout the production. But that’s about it.

Conclusion

If you’re bored and are in need of some nude girls with boobs you can give Piranha a chance. If you’re bored and are in need of some good amounts of well done gore you can give Piranha a chance. If you’re bored and love to see bloody boobs I bet you’ve got yourself the perfect candidate for a perfect evening. Everybody else won’t miss a thing.

Rating
I've seen better and worse. Mediocre to shitty on many levels.
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