Paranormal Activity (The Movie Review of the First One)

(A.k.a. Paranormal Stupidtiy)

Why do people in horror flicks in general and especially the guys in Paranormal Activity act so splicely stupid? Was it the low budget of $15.000 max?

If you don’t know Paranormal Activity: the movie unfolds its horror purely through the lens of a camera a young couple uses to record the nasty and haunting activities that happen around them – or to be more precise: the woman. (So, yeah, they totally went Blair Witch Project here). Of course, the haunting gets worse by the night and they desperately try to find a solution to their problem.

You know, besides the amazing problem of Paranormal Activity that during the daytime (which they filmed for no reason other than explanation and background info) nothing happens at all there also is the “awesome” problem of the haunting itself.

For reasons I really don’t get the haunting in this flick here always follows the following formula: we fast forward through the nighttime the camera filmed. Then, mostly during 3 o’clock, the fast forward slows down and we know immediately: something will happen verrrryyyy soon. Way to go man! That’s what I call surprising the audience! But it gets even better: They added some deep bass sounds so we even know the exact millisecond the haunting will commence. Oh boy…in Paranormal Activity you get not only one but two warning signs.


"Sweetheart, isn't that Ouji Board on fire?" "No, that's only the imagination of the video camera." "Cuuuute!"
“Sweetheart, that Ouija Board is burning, isn’t it?” “No, that’s only the imagination of the video camera.” “Cuuuute!”

And then there’s the characters! And boy do they deliver in terms of stupidity. Seriously, how stupid can someone be? For example: What would you do when you know you’re getting haunted by a nasty fellow? I know what I would do and that’s not filming my daytime activities just because I can! I’d try to get some answers and some professional help to prevent the worst.

But you know what? There’s one scene in Paranormal Activity by which I would’ve changed my personal agenda completely and started to seriously think and work. And that’s the moment when the demon not only interacts with an Ouija Board but sets it on fire! That would have been my waking call. But hell no, nobody really feels some sudden urge to get their act together. The main character just wants to decipher the message on the board. He doesn’t care about the Ring of Fire at all! Hello? Anyone home?

And then Paranormal Activity finally reaches the Olympics of Stupid because – old your breath – the characters have the number of a psychic and that guy was on the “crime scene” rather early in the movie. Only thing is that he didn’t move a single finger although he felt a nasty presence lurking around! He even goes there a second time after the incidents get more intense (footprints, anyone?). Do you wanna know what happens? He feels that the presence doesn’t like his presence…and he leaves the house! Without doing anything!!!!!!

.

..

Whaaaaaat theeeeee fuuuuuuucckkkk!!!!!??????

How hard can it be to call some guys to come over and do something about it? They don’t even have to be psychics, but it would have been way enough to get three or more people into that fucking house so the couple’s not alone! It would have helped to regain some control of the situation and then let the professionals come.

But no, nobody does anything. Even the couple still does absolutely nothing, although it gets more and more intense. They don’t even use modern technology and show their footage on YouTube and ask for help! Or Facebook or any other social network. I am also sure that there’s a ton of bulletin boards out there in the net discussing nothing else. Come on, how hard would that have been to reach out to them! Everybody’s on the net, even the specialists!

Sheesh, man! How can I try to let me get scared when even I want to strangle the couple myself because of their idiocy! Constantly!

Conclusion

I swear to anything that’s haunting: I will never watch Paranormal Activity again. When I want to see some idiots doing nothing I can take a good look into my mirror. For that I don’t need a movie!

Rating
There's nothing to see here besides idiocy. Don't bother.
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