The 9 Worst Moviegoers You Can Encounter

There’s one thing I hate as much as bad movies and that’s moviegoers so annoying they ruin the whole experience. Because of that I always try to know whose sitting where before I buy a ticket (in Germany, the tickets have a seating number, so only one seat per person). That task for some reason always ends up being rather difficult so most of the time I end up with the lunatics in the audience.

Please forgive me, but after so many years I just have to write down the nine biggest/worst moviegoers I ever had to endure during a watch. Consider this post a self-referential counseling session. During the last two weeks I had to endure so many types listed below at the same time I am a short hop from a mental breakdown.

But enough about me, here are the nine worst types of moviegoers you can run into in a movie theater.

The Damsel in Distress

Never watch a horror movie with a woman. Never. If you do, it will be one of the most horrible things you’ll ever experience. Not because of the movie itself but because of the woman slamming her nails into your knee every time something, anything, happens. A premium version is a girl screeching and ruining your knee when nothing happens at all. My knee still hurts fifty years later.

The Giant

The guy cannot help it that he’s as large as a house and most likely he’s a cool dude anyone loves to hang around with. But when he’s sitting right in front of you – the smaller dude (me) – you can be dead certain that half of the screen is “missing”. The premium version is a guy not only big as the Death Star but having a haircut where his standing hair adds another four inches. The happy meal premium version is when you’re watching a subbed movie.

The Hysteric Laugher

Most of the time it’s girls and women watching romantic comedies. It doesn’t matter where you sit or where she sits. When she goes off she goes off with a blast. Since many comedies have sequences where a lot of funny stuff happens at once you’ll hear her for that amount of time plus two additional minutes until she calms down. Oh yeah: it’s not that the rest of the audience is laughing in those moments. Of course, the premium version is a hysteric laugher sitting right next to you. Ouch.

The Exploding Time Bomb

This can happen during any kind of movie. The audience is silent until someone starts laughing hysterically for no apparent reason at all and it takes minutes before our beloved silence is back. Most likely, his or her friend told a joke about the movie. The only problem? The rest didn’t hear the joke. The time bomb is especially “funny” in a drama.

The Carnival Barker

This one’s very similar to the exploding time bomb. The difference is that the time bomb doesn’t intend to be loud. The carnival barker on the other hand does. So the urge to go Hannibal with them is even bigger. Most often it’s a guy believing in his own uber coolness. So when something stupid happens in a movie, his coolness bursts out like the chestburster in Alien and he shouts his stupid one liner into the dark.

The Smart Ass

This moviegoer loves to comment many things about a movie – especially the bad stuff. It’s not that the bad stuff is truly bad. It’s only that it’s bad in his eyes. This type of moviegoer is especially dangerous in hordes. You can be sure that in such situation you hear a remark every two minutes. “Yo, man that dialogue is sooooo shit.”

The Arrogant Smart Ass

This type is more dangerous than the smart ass, because here we have someone who watched so many movies he loves nothing anymore. And he does his best to ensure the surrounding audience members know that. While the Smart Ass above just blurts out his personal opinion, the arrogant smart ass knows movies and their mechanics very well. The premium version is a film student who seriously believes he’s the next Kubrick. If the arrogant smart ass is a film student who’s accompanied by a fellow student you hit the jackpot.

The Omnivore

Those people mistake movie theaters for fast food outlets. If you have someone sitting in your vicinity, prepare for two hours of *munch* *crack* *rustle* *burp* *munch* *smack*. It’s amazing how much and how loud some people can eat in just two hours.

The Constant Babbler

In my eyes one of the worst type of moviegoer you can encounter. I don’t know why, but those people mistake a movie theater for basically everything else. They chatter and chatter and chatter. And the best of all? They’re not even talking about the movie playing in front of them. For crying out loud: either STFU or leave the room. How hard can that be? Why are they in the movie theater in the first place?

That’s the nine worst types of movie goers I had to endure in the last few years. Did you have a pleasant memory with one of those types? Let us know.

Just for the record: two weeks ago I had the Smart Ass behind me, The Arrogant Smart Ass besides me and The Giant in front of me. Can you top that?

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