Season of the Witch
20 Mar 2011   Reviews

Season of the Witch

Sometimes I really wonder. Did the guy in charge of the script research his matter at hand? Or did he puzzle everything together by watching other movies dealing with the same topic?

For Season of the Witch the writer did neither. He went even so far as to bother himself with nothing at all it seems. Moreover, everybody else in the production team didn’t bother either about anything, too.

One thing I’m still wondering about are the many smash cuts at the beginning. At first we have the prologue in which some town folks hang and drown three women, of which one resurrects as a demon. This happens in 1250. Then Season of the Witch cuts several decades into the future to our main characters Behman (Cage) and Felson (Perlman), who fight their ways through some crusade we’re not told anything more specific. Season of the Witch doesn’t waste a second here as it cuts through the years as if they’re contagious: Felson says a one-liner to Nicolas Cage (very middle age-y), they fight, cut two years into the future to another fight. Another one-liner, another killing, another two year jump. Then another jump and then yet another jump.

Then we finally reach The Moment when both heroes decide they killed enough innocent people and desert from the fights. Funnily enough this time Season of the Witch does not cut two years into the future, but only one month. This marks the very moment you can see in full color what happens when nobody in the production team seems to have a clue about the material they’re handling. The following minutes are so wrong on so many levels that I couldn’t believe I was watching this crap.

So, our two heroes desert and decide to go to the north. One month later they’re not only already far into the north, no they also reach a town that’s heavily plagued by the plague. Although an extremely contagious disease is taking place they decide to enter the town anyways. And guess what happens? After Cage drops his sword two of the people in the town immediately recognize the emblem of the deserters and they’re arrested.

Let me get one thing straight: this is the Middle Ages for god’s sake. So how did they manage to seemingly inform all of Europe about two deserters? Even in our age we have problems to do that stunt. But no, they not only pulled off that one, no, virtually everybody (!) down to the lowest people even seemed to care about those two guys. Even so much as to know the exact shape of a small emblem on a sword and immediately recognizing it while not caring about the question, whether or not the wielder is the deserter in question. Heck, if I were living in a town struck with the plague (!) I’d give a shit about two fucking deserters. I’d have coughed one time and wished them a good day…Oh yeah, how the main characters managed to not only stay healthy but also clean in all this shit surrounding them is beyond me.

Of course the movie would be over if they’d been imprisoned for their entire life, so the cardinal of the town offers them a deal for no clear reason whatsoever: they have to bring a presumed witch to a monastery so she can be killed after a trial. Although both heroes deserted the crusades for being sick of killing innocent people they agree to do just that one more time.

Minutes later we have our expedition reeking of a cheap RPG game heading for the monastery. Although the girl seems to be innocent at first, the gloomy lightning, the mist, the foreboding and basically everything else including the prologue tell us: she’s a witch, so let it burn, baby! But by knowing this the moral message of Season of the Witch gets a little bit edgy. But who cares about that. Of course, some characters bite the dust along the way and so the movie truly and irrevocably jumps the shark when everybody enters the monastery.

Turns out the witch is no witch at all but some demon, who (prepare for impact) planned for all this from the beginning. Why? So he can destroy the one ring book stored in there that’s used by the church to destroy evil. Since the dude’s able to fly I really started to wonder, why he wasted so much time to reach the monastery the way he did but I guess logic isn’t hellish enough since it’s too logical. After one cool one-liner (“we’re going to need more holy water”) Season of the Witch reaches its CGI-laden finale in which basically everybody else die with the exception of the youngest guy and the ex-witch/now-nude-girl.

As if this was not enough the production team decided to give this crappy cake its icing by having the ex-witch/now-dressed-girl not only wanting to hear the story of her saviors from the guy who met them only days earlier but also by ending the movie with a voice-over-narration I can only call shitty at best.

Conclusion

This movie is proof of what happens when nobody gives shit about a good script. Illogical, ignorant and inconsequential writing at the top of its game. Season of the Witch should be called Season of the Crap instead.

Rating
Avoid it like the plague! I warned you!

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