If you love generic action movies that lack any logic and coherence, Colombiana might be the right thing for you. If not, stay away from it.
Uhura Saldana looks hot in almost everything she wears, that much is sure. But that alone makes no entertaining movie and the writers should have put more brains into the actual plot.
It all starts with the basic premise: Saldana is the assassin Cataleya who as a child witnessed the murder of her parents and from that moment on is out for revenge. Problem is that the movie isn’t truly about revenge for a lengthy portion of its run time.
Cataleya might act out of revenge but much of what she does is not connected to the drug lord who killed her parents. One time she kills a fraud, another time it’s some sort of serial murder hooker. So why does she kill them and wasting her time for that? Is it for money to buy weapons? Or to buy information about the location of said drug lord? Nope, she kills them to paint an orchid named Cataleya on the dead bodies. It’s a message for the drug lord: I’m living and out to kill you.
The surreal thing is that the message is not being delivered because the FBI keeps the paintings a secret. So Cataleya has to kill a whooping 22 people before the paintings are revealed to the public and thus to the drug lord.
I think a letter would have been faster, cheaper and easier.
Okay, after many years of unsuccessful mail deliveries the police force finally tells the public about the paintings – and the drug lord reacts in a pretty normal way: he tries to killer her before she can…although she could have hunted him down years ago, but well…
The kicker is that Cataleya doesn’t live underground and hidden. In fact she lives with other relatives in Chicago and her uncle helps her in this assassin business. In other words: not being able to find her would be a wonder.
For an assassin with a brain Cataleya sure acts rather stupid. Well, at least this painted flower stunt is stupid.
Other than that Colombiana is also plagued with chances and convenient writing of the worst kind. Cataleya knows exactly who’s going where and is doing what, the FBI is stupid as hell and the world acts and reacts in ways only to advance the plot. There are so many smaller and bigger moments, events and occurrences where this happens that I could possibly write ten pages about it, but I leave that well enough alone.
Basically it’s like this: Colombiana doesn’t rely on logic or good coherent writing. The characters act surprisingly stupid, the world is a gathering of convenience for the main character. If you like that, watch Colombiana, or if you like some okay-y action sequences.