I always knew that Klingons have a softer side to them – but not that soft. I pity the red shirt for being too stupid to not knock at the door of a Klingon. Hello? You never enter the room of a Klingon without knocking first and running second.

Stupid red shirts…*grumble*

Andbyohtheway: I love the the animation here which is superb in my eyes. From start to finish. I especially love the moment when the Klingon (Worf??) goes into high pitch mode and starts to “wiggle” his whole body. Comedy gold.

According to Reuters, a German student had some sort of death wish. Why? Because he did the craziest stunt I’ve ever heard of (and I’ve watched a lot of movies):

A German student created a traffic jam in Bavaria after making a rude gesture at a group of Hells Angels motorcycle gang members, hurling a puppy at them and then escaping on a stolen bulldozer.

The combination cannot get any crazier: Hells Angels, puppy and bulldozer.

Monty Python and the Zucker, Abrahams, Zucker trio would’ve been proud of him. That’s for sure. And the student watched way too much stuff of them.

I can only imagine the epic “wtf just happened??!??” expressions on the faces of the Hells Angels when the student made his way through the traffic on the bulldozer while screaming “So long suckers”. And yeah, if anyone ever tells me again that Germans have no sense of crazy, lunatic and stupid humor, I show him this news article (and my various blog posts of crazy German movie titles, of course).

By the way: the puppy was unharmed and safe (which means he didn’t throw him that hard or long I think). So you can laugh…

The following clip is from a Bollywood movie called Alluda Majaka. Anyone who regularly watches YouTube videos should recognize the face of actor Chiranjeevi, as this guy emerges everytime you search for “Bollywood” “action scene” or similar stuff.

And boy does he deliver in this video!

In a way he’s the one who comes closest to our holy action god Chuck Norris. Of course there’s still a margin of the size of a galaxy between both since Chuck Norris can walk on air and once destroyed a black hole just by shouting at it.

Nevertheless, having a horse slide underneath a car and riding through glass panes where you’d normally place doors and riding between a bunch of strategically extremely well placed cars is epic, too.

Watch and marvel:

Watching a movie DVD is simple.

In theory.

Since this technology is so brand new and complicated, only a few chosen people are able to use them so called DVD players.Although my parents warned me to engage in such a dangerous task I didn’t waste one second to help you people out of your misery.

Therefore after many decades full of experiments (and some dead assistants) I can finally present you a paper/manual that truly tells you how to watch a DVD.

1. Rent, buy, steal or – worse – download your DVD. Important: Read the package beforehand, so you know what you are watching later.

2. Head home or be happy to still be at home. In the latter case: be prepared to be sued by Hollywood.

3. If you are a man and want to watch Chuck Norris, give your wife one thousand dollar. This should keep her in the shopping district for a while. If you are a woman and want to watch Titanic, give your man one thousand dollar. This should keep him in the stadium for a while. In case of kids: kick their iPods down the hills. This should keep them searching for a while, but be prepared to be sued by Apple.

4. Turn on everything that remotely looks modern and electrical. Don’t bother if some objects suddenly start making noises like a mixer. This is simply a sound test. Be prepared to be sued by your neighbors, though.

5. If you finally found the DVD player (see Wikipedia for a detailed description about the looks), open the tray. Please refer to the manual to do that. In case of a bad translation done by a Chinese: you have my deepest sympathy. You can sue them if you like.

6. Put the DVD in the tray. Important: the colorful side needs to face you, not the floor. Some people tend to mistake this every time. Close the tray. Normally, this should work by using the same button you used to open it. If you are not sure: test it to be sure.

7. If you did everything correctly the movie should start now. Which means you will first see dozens of other things such as movie trailers or stuff about being sued by Hollywood for daring to watch their intellectual property. Don’t be scared, this is completely normal.

8. After some hours you should slowly notice that one trailer keeps repeating itself over and over again. This is the main menu. To start watching the movie, press every button possible on your remote. Most of the time it is the best to start pressing in the middle of the remote. If you are lucky it works. If not, head back to step 6.

In case of blackness:

9. Re-check if everything is properly turned on and connected. For example: did you really turn on the TV? Or did you mistake it for a strange all-black painting?

10. If the screen still is black after checking and confirming everything you need to stay absolutely calm. Chances are that you tried to watch a DVD using your toaster. Be prepared to be sued for arson by your neighbors.

Since I was more or less sued by everyone in the vicinity of my laboratory I had to stop here. Because of those “circumstances” I’d be glad to hear from you, my fellow researcher, if I missed some important steps in my experiments. Please refer to the standard comment form below to add your results to this paper.

She snaps…she literally snaps…

Thank god for YouTube’s recommendations because otherwise I probably wouldn’t have found this extremely funny scene  from the anime Sayonara Zetsubou-Sensei (Farewell, Mr. Despair).

As the title suggests, the series is about a teacher who often is trying to kill himself (or on the verge of being absolutely in despair) and his group of eccentric female students.

She snaps…she literally snaps…

Now, if you wonder how eccentric they are: this scene shows you what happens when someone who is extremely fixated to do everything perfectly prepares to cut a cake when people start flooding in.

The solution of this problem is as simple as hilarious:

She snaps…she literally snaps…

The moment she snaps. Oh boy, the moment she snaps is so amazing. You even hear the string stretching and snapping. And her gasp in that particular moment…*lol*

Normally, I would hate this kind of exposition-for-the-stupid. This time, though, I suspect the producers knew all along that the scene would end up on YouTube. Hence they directed it that way that every piece of information necessary is there.

She snaps…she literally snaps…

What happens when you let an algorithm do the work a human can do much better albeit much slower? You get a big, fat *lol*.

I don’t know if this was pure luck or some genius thinking on my part but with just two search terms entered in the new search service Google Squared I found two incredible results that made my day.

Here’s the first set of results I ever got from Squared after entering the search term “movies”:

This one is subtle but the more funny once you spot it. As you can see, the “Director” cell for Alien is empty with a nasty “No Values Found”. Rats. But the answer is closer than one might think as the description cell contains not only once but twice the terms “directed by” and “Ridley Scott”.

But this funny results is nothing compared to the second one. To see if Squared can do better (although the other results were quite good) I entered “movie sequel” and this is what I got:

What do we learn from those results? Forget the visual part of Goldfinger. Just turn up the volume and let the Ska Punk hammer your ears til they bleed. I always had the feeling that Goldfinger is a music video and this is the proof.

I am a genius!

LOL

(It will be so funny to search for more of those hiccups and if nothing else, those two results prove that the algorithms in use is still beta and has a long way to go although the other results are quite impressive already.)

There are hundreds papers out there that try to find scientific reasons for why we watch movies. Some reasons they come up with are to be entertained or to flee the harsh reality of life.

Bullshit!

Here’s a list of ten reasons we really watch movies in our movie theater of choice:

• Because we could sleep in those comfortable theater seats forever
• Because we found the only place on Earth where the idiots shut up for once
• Because we finally can laugh about someone not with someone
• Because we finally can see someone finding a parking slot immediately
• Because we feel so cool when we pay astronomical prices to watch ads
• Because we really need all this seemingly useless knowledge to save the Earth in the future
• Because we only need one last bit of inspiration to finalize our own movie script
• Because we see explosions that look so much better than anything we imitated in our backyard
• Because we can have a wonderful date without having to talk
• And last but in no way least because we think the actresses/actors are hot!

Did I forget something?

Any normal actor can imitate real life. You know, doing stuff that normal people would do. Like covering a wounded part of your body. But this kind of acting is something for looser, of course. A true actor goes beyond the obvious and tries to reach the unseen. In alphabetical terms, if “A” would be a normal movie with normal acting and the “B” the lesser quality, this would be beyond the “B”.

The actor in the short scene below truly understands this Z(en)-type of acting. Instead of covering his wound and pain, this actor easily reaches the end of the alphabet by lifting one of his arms to the heavens. He shows us his pain, his end, in a full theatrical pose.

But he does not stop here. Just when I think it cannot get any better he leaves the alphabet altogether with one simple gesture that breaks not only the fourth wall, but any wall from number one to infinity. The question of “Why” truly was never so fully expressed in one single pose.

Kudos to everybody that took part in this marvelous scene. To you the “Z” is only the beginning and the “B” a mere child’s play in kindergarten. (Useless test link)

While thinking about a cool blog post I remembered Digg and a certain way to fill space when you don’t know what to do: lists. You know, the ultimate tip of any aspiring blog about Blog Tips.

So here we are, with a funnily epic list of ten unusual ways to create a Top Ten List for your (movie) blog.

All examples are reserved for me, otherwise I will smash you with a magazine containing all Top Ten Lists ever posted on the net. If you were faster, I will smash myself

• 10. Make me Die from Laughter

  If you want a girlfriend, be funny. If you want blog readers, be funny. Humor is the best way to break the ice, and in all this boring stuff out there, a funny Top Ten List is always read. Be warned though: once your readership is dead from laughter you have to constantly rebuild it again or delete your post after some days. Remember Monty Python? Not funny!
  

  Examples: “Top Ten Movie Jokes of all Time”, “The Ten most Epic movie laughs” and [I so have no idea].

• 9. Weirdness for the win

  Make a list about unusual things or ideas that you never read before. Chances are high that it might be forgotten after ten minutes, but when you have a hit, it stays.

  “The Ten scariest Pets since Beethoven”, “Top Ten funniest Catastrophe Movies” and “Top Ten Movies to ruin your Relationship” are some examples.

• 8. Ugly is the new Beautiful

  There is nothing more boring than listing nice and beautiful things. Everyone does that as Digg proves day after day. So go the opposite way: be ugly. Or better: list ugly things.

  “The Ten best Van Damme Movies”, “Top Ten Leslie Nielsen flicks since 2003″ or “Top Ten moments from BATMAN AND ROBIN” come to mind.

• 7. Stupidity is the winner

  There is a reason that so many movies use characters which are helplessly beyond stupidity. It is because we can laugh about them and feel so much better with our ten brain cells.

  Examples? “Top Ten most stupid Statements by Famous Actors”, “The Ten most Stupid Movie Roles ever” and “Top Ten Movies I didn’t understand”.

• 6. Put everything in Lists

  Do you have a cold? Make a List of the ten worst colds ever. Have seen a movie with an actor you hate? Put it in a list. With this method chances are high that at least one will get you high amount of traffic. But be warned: if your blog doesn’t have anything else to offer you are out of luck.

  Examples: “The Top Ten movies I have seen last week”, “The Top Ten Reasons why I sleep after a movie”. The winner of them all: “The Top Ten Top Ten Lists” (the most essential recursive list ever)

• 5. Crazyland
  

  In one episode of the THE SIMPSONS Homer begs for money so he can buy something for Marge. He gets the advice from a poor guy telling him that there are four types of begging. Impersonating a fundamentalist is one, as is being simply crazy. Being crazy works, as Homer then wonderfully shows us.

  “Top Ten Movies I sleep with”, “Ten Reasons why this is not the case” or “My Top Ten Movie Fantasies” come to mind.

• 4. Controversy to the flame

  When all people agree, they most often do nothing. When they disagree they act. When they really disagree they flame and bring their friends. And sometimes some guys come along the way – and agree.

  Here are some classic examples to get all the fanboys flaming and your traffic raising: “Thirty Reasons Why Apple in Movies sucks”, “Top Fifty Reasons why Geeks in Movies Suck”, “Top Ten Reasons why [enter something here] suck”.

• 3. Spoof, tease and more

  This is a different take to the controversy kind of lists. You spoof fans or lovers for what they love. Here you have to walk a fine line to not end in the controversy territory, unless you add yourself to the crowds being spoofed.

  Examples: “Top Ten Star Wars Costumes for True Fans”, “Top Ten Baby Movies watched by Adults” and “Top Ten Fan Love Letters to Robin”.

• 2. Sex sells

  Who from the male audience still knows PASSWORD  SWORDFISH? Ok, you can put down your hands. Do you still remember the scene with Halle Berry’s boobs? Great.

  Ok, who from the female audience still knows the moment in CASINO ROYALE, when Daniel Craig showed us his wet body? Wonderful!

  I think I don’t have to write anything else. Sex does sell. And don’t you dare to think I give you some examples.

• 1.  Mix everything above

  In these times of lists, the best way to leave an impression is to mix and shake all nine categories. This way you and the reader have fun for eternity.

  “Ten Reasons why Angelina’s nude body sucks” or “Top Ten Nude Star Wars Fans” are good examples, although I am not sure to which categories the last example belongs best…

  Now that I think about it, this last example might be the ultimate list of all lists ever. Weirdness? Check! Ugly? Check! Controversy? Check! Spoof? Check! Sex? Check! Makes me die from Laughter?

  Hell, yes, Check!!

Sorry STAR WARS fans, I couldn’t resist…